Life in Full-Auto

"I wasted too much of my life being quiet. I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?” Huh, bro? See some of the things we care about a lot are pretty worthless."

 Anyone ever see Queen Latifa's movie, The Last Holiday? That was one of my favorite movies

I don't remember when it started, I don't know why it started, all I Know that one day I look up, and realize that my life has been in full auto

Like a machine, day by day went by without me even realizing what day what month or what year I am living, I just lived without having anything to lived for.

Every morning I wake up, make breakfast, shower, dress up make up, running to catch the train to work, sit in front of the computer, work, meetings, lunches, negotiations, chit chat with colleagues, report to boss, then I pack my things up, catch the next train, go home, cook dinner, watch tv or play computer games and go to sleep, and the day repeats it self.

On weekends I woke up late, cooks, watch tv, eat, play computer games, read books, grocery shopping, sometimes meet up with friends. Sometimes I have my family over, my mom will take care of me, cooks, cleans, talk to me, my siblings and their bf/gf hangs out with me, talk have dinner. Every other weekends my partner come over, we talk, sleeps and he goes home, we're not even friends.

My life is nothing I'm proud of but it's nothing I'm ashamed of either, at least I don't lie about it or being a hypocrite by pretending to be good, I'm just me. What people thinks of me is not really my problem, it's theirs.

Days, weeks, months, years goes by just like that, one day I woke up being 30, feeling older than my age, this numbness never goes away.

I wish I can dream, to have something I strive for, have a passion in my life, but it's hard to dream when you're deep inside of one. Everything just felt surreal and blurry, people, places, faces, names I see but I can't remember.

Sometimes I hurt my self, stick a needle, run the tip of the knife to my skin, get totally drunk, watch a very sad movie just to feel, to know that I am alive. 

Suicide did cross my mind few times, but I'm scared, I'm not a religious person, but I believe God put me here for a reason, leaving it just like slapping Him in the face, and He's been so kind to me, that's not nice. I also thinks about my family, what if my dad needs money, what if he fell sick, what if something to my mom? I can't lie the only compassion I feel is to my mom, I can't leave her like this. As of feelings to my dad and sibling, I know I still have it, somewhere, but it's not as it used to be, I don't trust them, I don't even know if I loved them.

That's the problem with me, as my mom told me, I might forgive but I will never forget any bad thing someone has given me or to my mom, it's imprinted in my heart, that's why I am cold. I put my shield up high, I don't care, I don't love, because eventually everyone I love will either leave me or betray me, so I choose not to feel.

But I wish.....

Oh how I wish....

Maybe someday, someone will break me from this jail of dreary, plain, emotionless life.  Teach me how to love, how to feel....

How to live life