TIME ... THE HEALER

2009 was the year

Now I'm counting the time passed 2010 ... 2011 ... 2012 ...2013 four, almost five years now

Did I moved on? depends ... what's your definition of moved on

Did I date? yes several times

Did I fall in love again? ................................................................................................................................

I guess not

Do I still love him? ......................................................................................................................................

I guess so

I would like to bitch slap myself for being stupid, I want to squeeze that sucker of a heart of mine that wouldn't let go, but that will mean I'll die, and I'm quite fond of life.

I'm trying to remember who it is that told me time will heal, either they lie or I just haven't have enough of time

I wonder, how many years does a heart can ache?

Maybe the reasoning behind is that I haven't found somebody better than him, that's the only logical explanation I have in my pocket at the moment

But then again, if I used him as perimeter .... I'm screwed, of course nobody's like him, we're human, not clones, d'uh

I guess what time gives me is acceptance, the pain is still there, but after feeling it for years now I'm used to it, not that painful anymore, it kinda grows on me, it numbs me

Now I'm used to not having him by my side,

Awake without his smile

Not listening his corny joke

Try to understand when he sulks

Enjoying the way he endeavour food

I'm used to.... being without him

Strap on Masks

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.” ― Jim Morrison

Putting down my mask means exposing my vulnerability in front of others, I'd rather die than let it happens

I have a collection of them, let me give you a tour

The head of family C
 She's a good girl, as a first child, tries to be a role model to her sibling, a best friend to her mother, a good daughter to her father. She was the middle man when her parent went separate ways, always tries to console both, and trying to control her siblings

The Senior C
Quite famous in her previous schools, smart, friendly, joined a few extra curricular activities, donate a few trophy for her schools. She went to US, Europe and Australia with full scholarships, fluent in English, adequate french, got enrolled into a famous university, took one of the hardest major, teach in her spare time, was in Student bodies and was the only freshman in the organizational structure in the faculty's famous club.

The fighter C
Left home on the age of 20 and live alone ever since, university student by day, worker by night, had sleep deprivation, living on deadlines and instant noodles and occasional loans from fellow student to get by.

The worker C
Got recruited by one of local telecommunication company before even graduating, had a job offer by the time she has to finish her final assignment, started working a day after graduation, passed the test as government employee, bored and got recruited by one of the biggest hotel in Indonesia. Tough personality, wont take any BS, admit mistakes, willing to work overtime, friendly, childish and likes to be mentored of by seniors at office.

The Lover C
Cooks, cleans, listen, likes to pamper and be pampered, enjoys hours of cuddling and talking

The Party C
Drinks, get drunk, smokes, dance like crazy, a bit slutty when the alcohol level increase, no matter how drunk still could think clearly, just sometimes pretend not to to attracts the opposite sex.

The Friendly C
Has a tight circle of friend that understands and connected to each other, never takes anything personal, straight best friend shall not be boy friend policy, ready to listen, likes to hang out, have coffee and talks about nonsense.

Other C's
You might see her occasionally, depends on the situation and the mood

But by the time I reach home and take off the mask and be comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to do anything, see anyone or talk to anybody. I love a few and trust none, I make mental notes about people, I am a loner, with self esteem issue, and trust problem.

Which one you'll rather see?

Life in Full-Auto

"I wasted too much of my life being quiet. I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?” Huh, bro? See some of the things we care about a lot are pretty worthless."

 Anyone ever see Queen Latifa's movie, The Last Holiday? That was one of my favorite movies

I don't remember when it started, I don't know why it started, all I Know that one day I look up, and realize that my life has been in full auto

Like a machine, day by day went by without me even realizing what day what month or what year I am living, I just lived without having anything to lived for.

Every morning I wake up, make breakfast, shower, dress up make up, running to catch the train to work, sit in front of the computer, work, meetings, lunches, negotiations, chit chat with colleagues, report to boss, then I pack my things up, catch the next train, go home, cook dinner, watch tv or play computer games and go to sleep, and the day repeats it self.

On weekends I woke up late, cooks, watch tv, eat, play computer games, read books, grocery shopping, sometimes meet up with friends. Sometimes I have my family over, my mom will take care of me, cooks, cleans, talk to me, my siblings and their bf/gf hangs out with me, talk have dinner. Every other weekends my partner come over, we talk, sleeps and he goes home, we're not even friends.

My life is nothing I'm proud of but it's nothing I'm ashamed of either, at least I don't lie about it or being a hypocrite by pretending to be good, I'm just me. What people thinks of me is not really my problem, it's theirs.

Days, weeks, months, years goes by just like that, one day I woke up being 30, feeling older than my age, this numbness never goes away.

I wish I can dream, to have something I strive for, have a passion in my life, but it's hard to dream when you're deep inside of one. Everything just felt surreal and blurry, people, places, faces, names I see but I can't remember.

Sometimes I hurt my self, stick a needle, run the tip of the knife to my skin, get totally drunk, watch a very sad movie just to feel, to know that I am alive. 

Suicide did cross my mind few times, but I'm scared, I'm not a religious person, but I believe God put me here for a reason, leaving it just like slapping Him in the face, and He's been so kind to me, that's not nice. I also thinks about my family, what if my dad needs money, what if he fell sick, what if something to my mom? I can't lie the only compassion I feel is to my mom, I can't leave her like this. As of feelings to my dad and sibling, I know I still have it, somewhere, but it's not as it used to be, I don't trust them, I don't even know if I loved them.

That's the problem with me, as my mom told me, I might forgive but I will never forget any bad thing someone has given me or to my mom, it's imprinted in my heart, that's why I am cold. I put my shield up high, I don't care, I don't love, because eventually everyone I love will either leave me or betray me, so I choose not to feel.

But I wish.....

Oh how I wish....

Maybe someday, someone will break me from this jail of dreary, plain, emotionless life.  Teach me how to love, how to feel....

How to live life

SUCKER PUNCH

Sucker Punch

"It primarily involves a closed fist contacting the soft underbelly of a person (beneath the rib cage) at a high velocity, causing the ensuing force to press upward on the victim's diaphragm, leading to a sudden expulsion of air from the victim's mouth and lungs. This opening blow leaves the victim open to various other attacks, often leading to what would be called "bitch moves" because of the defenseless nature of the victim."

Yea that's about it....

I have over 200 songs on my MP3, two of those song, I have no idea why I put it there, describes exactly my feeling on one night of October 2009. The first reason I made this blog, my biggest heartbreak.

Out of the over 200 songs, against all the odds, the two song was playing one after another as if the universe was testing me, am I over it?

The answer is no....

The first song is the Corrs feat Alejandro Sanz - The Hardest Day, lets play it for a bit

"One more day, one last look

Before I leave it all behind

And play the role that's meant for us

That said we'd say goodbye"

Second Song Maroon 5 - daylight

"Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holdin’ on

We knew this day would come, we knew it all along

How did it come so fast

This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m tryin’ not to sleep

‘Cuz I know, when I wake I will have to slip away"

Two songs, two different era, sucker punch me out of nowhere and just squeezed up the happy self confident woman and left me empty like a depleted balloon.

I can really remember that night, every detail, every touch, every kiss, every smile, the sad look in his eye, and the sound of my heart smashed into pieces

Felt like it was just yesterday

I feel marques houston when he sing that song circles

I would be lying if I said I didn't moved on, I dated, get me some bf, have fun, have some laugh, sleep around, okay maybe not that much, I'm just tryin to make a point.

I finally understand that piece he took, I will never get it back, it will be with him forever. The best thing I can do is make do with the rest and try to love again. I have a big heart and I have so much to give, though I know the pain and the cracks will still be there, I'll survive.

My heart is ugly, it's broken and glued together everywhere, it got cracks and holes, and I know it's not a pretty thing to give to somebody. But I hope, one day, somebody will come and claim it, protect it like it's a precious and fragile thing, even though it's ugly, but he don't mind, he like it as it is. And at that moment, I know I'm his and my life is for him