Life in Full-Auto

"I wasted too much of my life being quiet. I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?” Huh, bro? See some of the things we care about a lot are pretty worthless."

 Anyone ever see Queen Latifa's movie, The Last Holiday? That was one of my favorite movies

I don't remember when it started, I don't know why it started, all I Know that one day I look up, and realize that my life has been in full auto

Like a machine, day by day went by without me even realizing what day what month or what year I am living, I just lived without having anything to lived for.

Every morning I wake up, make breakfast, shower, dress up make up, running to catch the train to work, sit in front of the computer, work, meetings, lunches, negotiations, chit chat with colleagues, report to boss, then I pack my things up, catch the next train, go home, cook dinner, watch tv or play computer games and go to sleep, and the day repeats it self.

On weekends I woke up late, cooks, watch tv, eat, play computer games, read books, grocery shopping, sometimes meet up with friends. Sometimes I have my family over, my mom will take care of me, cooks, cleans, talk to me, my siblings and their bf/gf hangs out with me, talk have dinner. Every other weekends my partner come over, we talk, sleeps and he goes home, we're not even friends.

My life is nothing I'm proud of but it's nothing I'm ashamed of either, at least I don't lie about it or being a hypocrite by pretending to be good, I'm just me. What people thinks of me is not really my problem, it's theirs.

Days, weeks, months, years goes by just like that, one day I woke up being 30, feeling older than my age, this numbness never goes away.

I wish I can dream, to have something I strive for, have a passion in my life, but it's hard to dream when you're deep inside of one. Everything just felt surreal and blurry, people, places, faces, names I see but I can't remember.

Sometimes I hurt my self, stick a needle, run the tip of the knife to my skin, get totally drunk, watch a very sad movie just to feel, to know that I am alive. 

Suicide did cross my mind few times, but I'm scared, I'm not a religious person, but I believe God put me here for a reason, leaving it just like slapping Him in the face, and He's been so kind to me, that's not nice. I also thinks about my family, what if my dad needs money, what if he fell sick, what if something to my mom? I can't lie the only compassion I feel is to my mom, I can't leave her like this. As of feelings to my dad and sibling, I know I still have it, somewhere, but it's not as it used to be, I don't trust them, I don't even know if I loved them.

That's the problem with me, as my mom told me, I might forgive but I will never forget any bad thing someone has given me or to my mom, it's imprinted in my heart, that's why I am cold. I put my shield up high, I don't care, I don't love, because eventually everyone I love will either leave me or betray me, so I choose not to feel.

But I wish.....

Oh how I wish....

Maybe someday, someone will break me from this jail of dreary, plain, emotionless life.  Teach me how to love, how to feel....

How to live life

SUCKER PUNCH

Sucker Punch

"It primarily involves a closed fist contacting the soft underbelly of a person (beneath the rib cage) at a high velocity, causing the ensuing force to press upward on the victim's diaphragm, leading to a sudden expulsion of air from the victim's mouth and lungs. This opening blow leaves the victim open to various other attacks, often leading to what would be called "bitch moves" because of the defenseless nature of the victim."

Yea that's about it....

I have over 200 songs on my MP3, two of those song, I have no idea why I put it there, describes exactly my feeling on one night of October 2009. The first reason I made this blog, my biggest heartbreak.

Out of the over 200 songs, against all the odds, the two song was playing one after another as if the universe was testing me, am I over it?

The answer is no....

The first song is the Corrs feat Alejandro Sanz - The Hardest Day, lets play it for a bit

"One more day, one last look

Before I leave it all behind

And play the role that's meant for us

That said we'd say goodbye"

Second Song Maroon 5 - daylight

"Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holdin’ on

We knew this day would come, we knew it all along

How did it come so fast

This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m tryin’ not to sleep

‘Cuz I know, when I wake I will have to slip away"

Two songs, two different era, sucker punch me out of nowhere and just squeezed up the happy self confident woman and left me empty like a depleted balloon.

I can really remember that night, every detail, every touch, every kiss, every smile, the sad look in his eye, and the sound of my heart smashed into pieces

Felt like it was just yesterday

I feel marques houston when he sing that song circles

I would be lying if I said I didn't moved on, I dated, get me some bf, have fun, have some laugh, sleep around, okay maybe not that much, I'm just tryin to make a point.

I finally understand that piece he took, I will never get it back, it will be with him forever. The best thing I can do is make do with the rest and try to love again. I have a big heart and I have so much to give, though I know the pain and the cracks will still be there, I'll survive.

My heart is ugly, it's broken and glued together everywhere, it got cracks and holes, and I know it's not a pretty thing to give to somebody. But I hope, one day, somebody will come and claim it, protect it like it's a precious and fragile thing, even though it's ugly, but he don't mind, he like it as it is. And at that moment, I know I'm his and my life is for him

Feelings

Why can't I express my feeling like everyone else
Tring to stop the need to make sense
Instead of laughing I just smile
clam shut when I feel the pain inside

I pilled my anxiety into a mountain of depression
I should just run wild and fall without a cushion
Instead I die slowly of heartache
another lost soul without a face

I'm not unique I'm just a wierdo
Standing tough tall like a willow
But rotting inside the branches
Cutted down,turned into lonely crates

I am a broken instrument of life
Trying to break out from this cold cage
Happiness went through like a fast track train
take away all my youth and left me drained

Loving You Means.....

Loving you means....

Spending extra half an hour before sleep, to put beauty creams and drinking vitamins so there wont be any naughty pimples in my face that disturb u when looking at it

Loving you means....

Spending extra hour before work to choose the nicest outfit, put on lotion and make up perfectly just in case u drop by at lunch or ask me out after work

Loving you means....

Braiding my hair before sleep so I have the perfect curls in my head everyday

Loving you means....

Wearing painful high heel shoes every time we go out so I'll look sexy and got an excuse to hold on to you the entire night

Loving you means....

Reading newspaper and listening to new music everyday so you'll enjoy talking with me

Loving you means....

Carrying phone charger everywhere I go to be sure that my phone wont die, just in case you call to ask how my day was

Loving you means....

Eating healthy and exercising so I wont get sick and spend a day without seeing you

Loving you means....

Spending money on new outfit every month so you'll have a second look at me

Loving you means....

Feeling miserable during traveling to nice places simply because you are not there with me

Loving you means....

Stealing my mom cooking recipe so I can get to your heart through your stomach

Loving you means....

Restraining myself from my smoking addiction, I know you dont mind, but you dont smoke and I dont want to poison you

Loving you means....

doing every little thing for you, not because u asked, but because I want to

MORNING AFTER YOUTH IS OVER (M.A.Y.O)

Lets Watch the time passing
as we gratefully count our blessing
when the sun shines in our heart
and the stars in our eyes are bright

We dont have wings to spread
but our dreams becomes our lead
our future can not be read
all the adult monotony that we dread

Remember me crying a long time ago
you said the man was stupid to let me go
back when love was for the lone
a long conversation on the phone

Our book of life has just open
all the adventures that it has rosen
we complain all day about school
skipping class and be cool

we had our share of up and down
pride was our only crown
we learns what's right from our wrongs
life can be bitter but we keep singing our songs
As year goes by we parted ways
but our memories stays in those days
we left our dreams slipped away
in people expectations is where we are today

bye bye youth it was nice to meet you
adult responsibilities left us feeling blue
but you'll be a spark when everything else's dies
a sweet honesty in the world of lies

(Poem) My Lovely

Oh My Lovely,
Days has passed since you left,
The clock ticks with agony and your memory froze in my heart
A lump of ice which will melt in the bottom of hell
Like a falling flower in the garden of the dead
Nothing but sadness and despair

The pain carved deep beneath my skin
When the darkness fall I feel that it is the end
Drowned in a pool of tears, I took my heart to it's final resting place
Let it sleep with hope while covered in hatred

That's when I decide to cut my soul to forget
Your smile is shattered and your image is frayed
You will never be perfect again in my mind
Such a damaged view that hurt my eyes

Your words are walls of lies
Pretending to protect but crumbles in weakness
burying my happiness inside it ruins
I have to pick up the debris with my bare hands

My fingers are bleeding and sore
This is my struggle for happiness
I will not give up and I'll never let you win
If my pain is your happiness, I guess your laughing with joy
For now..........

(Poem) When Will My Prince Charming Comes?

When will my prince charming come?
I've waited for him but he's never on time
Killing time running pictures in my mind
Of the time we'll have and his smile that binds

He'll come strong, standing with his hand on his hips
a smirk and a cigarette on his lips
My dear prince he wears no tuxedo
a shirt and a pair of jeans will do

My prince is beautiful but he looks so mean
he know his business and takes care his woman
He'll say "hey baby lets take a ride
I'll drive to wonderland with you smiling on my side"

When he looks at me with such pride
I know I want to be his wife
I'll make him as happy as a man could be
He will be the only man that this eye could see

Oh, When will my prince charming come?