(Old) Numb

This is an old Blog that I wrote, but I want to move it here, so I can remember how it was back then

Sunday, April 03, 2005
1.12 AM

Have you ever feel numb?

I have, often, too often than I want to feel. I have difficulty in describing the feeling in words, since I always feel words means everything and nothing the same. On those days I swing my self with everything and nothing in my mind. It's all up there, scribbled down in my brains, but nothing comes out of it, blank, yet I know it existed. I didn't feel anything of it, not happy, not sad, not confusing nor clear, just numb. Why, why does people feel this way? does everyone else feels it too sometimes? Or is it just me and my thoughts? I can not help but wonder.

At those times I wanted to hurt myself just to know weather I will notice the pain, or will I notice nothing, just numb? I hurt other people just to know weather the guilt will run inside me, it stays the same, nothing. I hurt people with words, words that are spilled from my mouth consciously, without thinking of the consequences, without wondering the effects to others.

Why am I this way? am I evil? do I really want people to hate me? do I'm ready to hold the consequences? I have no answer. I've lost the meaning of life all the same, no goals, nothing to gain, no ambition. Am I really what I am? Or does my feelings and my thoughts deceive me? Could somebody give me the answers? will I ever change?

I have achieved many things in my life, yes I am proud, but I don't feel special. Am I really didn't want to be someone special? or am I scared that I'm not special? My mind could not decide, and I stayed blurred as I always. Am I a hypocrite or am I honest? you could decide for me, since the ability is out from my reach. I feel that I am a complex person, but you can really see me and judge that I'm simple. A lot of things I refuse to admit in life, or maybe I'm just not sure of it.

Notes: After 4 years I still don't know the answer, you can answer it for me