Being Alone

Here I am alone in the office, and I don't know why life coincidence me with the things that I shouldn't be be in. I just come back after smoking with a friend, and while I'm writing this blog, Jewel's 1000 miles lyrics played.

It's morning time, wonder where you are
Wonder who you're talking to
Wonder if the sun has risen where you are
It's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin
This bed's too big without you
Oh god, what do i do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.

The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car
A little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green
Maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,
Maybe my heart's too weak
There's just this feeling, thought I had to get going
Got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here
But now i don't know how to get home.
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Mama says take my vitamins,
Daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late"
Sister says "there's other fishes in the sea"
But love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice
No, love is not a rational thing
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

These fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt
She used to tell me that
"life is a series of strange and mysterious things
One minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"
Your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"
But your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Funny how the song sang about my feelings in the saddest way, I already cut him off from my life, see new people but his ghost still lingers hurting me. I'm lying to myself if I say I will move on soon, so instead I use the phrase to lie to my friends. And the questions still lingers, why. Not a word from him, not a single message, I feel so stupid. But unfortunately my heart have a heart of it's own. I know I'm dissapointing my friends by being this way, I'm hurting myself more and more, I wish someone will guide a way from me, just show me how it's done.

Even though I am determined to go on, but deep down I know I will still waits for him. Maybe it's easier if he tell me directly, it will hurt so much but it will heal faster, better than hearing my friends say "girl he's with his girlfriend, you're stupid to thinks he cares, he just having fun with you, and you're stupid enough to take him seriously", "right now he's probably having fun listening someone else scream his name, and here you are thinking of him like a fool". The bitter truth, harsh but I understand deep down it's true I just refuse to accept it, like every other fool.

My friends are busy hooking me up with other guys, I had great times with them, but I'm just not ready. They said new love will heal your broken heart, but I'm such a party spoiler. I'm the old fashioned type who will wait for a month to date another guy, just to show my respect for the memory I had with him, laugh if you want, but it's just me.

It's easier in tho morning than nights, because mornings I'm busy with all things, as for nights. We'll my nights belong to him. So I'm always looking forward to mornings, while hating nighttimes.

My friends told me I look more feminine and mature lately, maybe it's because I don't look as alive as I used too. I do feel different, I feel colder, more calm. One thing I noticed, I'm getting skinny, I don't know whether it's because of him or my medication. Either way it's good, I met my old boss yesterday, he said I looked good, so I felt good. I'm going to meet him again sometimes soon, just maybe he can make me forget about him, maybe not we'll see, but after all this grieving I'll be ready to fall in love again, this time with the right guy of course LOL. Thinking about this makes me smiles, hey maybe little by little I am able to accept this, maybe I'll fall in love again sooner than I expected, we'll see. As for today, my heart still longing for the one I've lost, maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll let you know tomorrow lol. As I'm finishing my witting a song played, Beda by Gemala.

Satu Asa Yang Harus Pergi
Ungkap Semua Rahasia Diriku
Teringat Jelas Di Benakku
Indah Kisah Yang Tlah Lalu

Biarkan Cinta Yang Dulu Kan Tetap Indah

dan Biar Waktu Sembuhkan Luka Itu
Jangan Teruskan Kasihku
Walau Kita Satu
Mungkin Kita Tercipta Untuk Tak Satu

Oh Biar Cintaku
Lihat Ceria Sisi Dunia Yang Terbentang Untuk Kita
Anggap Sajalah aku Persinggahan Untukmu
Temani Hari-hari Yang Kini Tlah Menyemu

And so, as the curtains closed, tomorrow will be another show