Being Alone

Here I am alone in the office, and I don't know why life coincidence me with the things that I shouldn't be be in. I just come back after smoking with a friend, and while I'm writing this blog, Jewel's 1000 miles lyrics played.

It's morning time, wonder where you are
Wonder who you're talking to
Wonder if the sun has risen where you are
It's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin
This bed's too big without you
Oh god, what do i do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.

The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car
A little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green
Maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,
Maybe my heart's too weak
There's just this feeling, thought I had to get going
Got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here
But now i don't know how to get home.
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Mama says take my vitamins,
Daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late"
Sister says "there's other fishes in the sea"
But love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice
No, love is not a rational thing
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

These fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt
She used to tell me that
"life is a series of strange and mysterious things
One minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"
Your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"
But your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Funny how the song sang about my feelings in the saddest way, I already cut him off from my life, see new people but his ghost still lingers hurting me. I'm lying to myself if I say I will move on soon, so instead I use the phrase to lie to my friends. And the questions still lingers, why. Not a word from him, not a single message, I feel so stupid. But unfortunately my heart have a heart of it's own. I know I'm dissapointing my friends by being this way, I'm hurting myself more and more, I wish someone will guide a way from me, just show me how it's done.

Even though I am determined to go on, but deep down I know I will still waits for him. Maybe it's easier if he tell me directly, it will hurt so much but it will heal faster, better than hearing my friends say "girl he's with his girlfriend, you're stupid to thinks he cares, he just having fun with you, and you're stupid enough to take him seriously", "right now he's probably having fun listening someone else scream his name, and here you are thinking of him like a fool". The bitter truth, harsh but I understand deep down it's true I just refuse to accept it, like every other fool.

My friends are busy hooking me up with other guys, I had great times with them, but I'm just not ready. They said new love will heal your broken heart, but I'm such a party spoiler. I'm the old fashioned type who will wait for a month to date another guy, just to show my respect for the memory I had with him, laugh if you want, but it's just me.

It's easier in tho morning than nights, because mornings I'm busy with all things, as for nights. We'll my nights belong to him. So I'm always looking forward to mornings, while hating nighttimes.

My friends told me I look more feminine and mature lately, maybe it's because I don't look as alive as I used too. I do feel different, I feel colder, more calm. One thing I noticed, I'm getting skinny, I don't know whether it's because of him or my medication. Either way it's good, I met my old boss yesterday, he said I looked good, so I felt good. I'm going to meet him again sometimes soon, just maybe he can make me forget about him, maybe not we'll see, but after all this grieving I'll be ready to fall in love again, this time with the right guy of course LOL. Thinking about this makes me smiles, hey maybe little by little I am able to accept this, maybe I'll fall in love again sooner than I expected, we'll see. As for today, my heart still longing for the one I've lost, maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll let you know tomorrow lol. As I'm finishing my witting a song played, Beda by Gemala.

Satu Asa Yang Harus Pergi
Ungkap Semua Rahasia Diriku
Teringat Jelas Di Benakku
Indah Kisah Yang Tlah Lalu

Biarkan Cinta Yang Dulu Kan Tetap Indah

dan Biar Waktu Sembuhkan Luka Itu
Jangan Teruskan Kasihku
Walau Kita Satu
Mungkin Kita Tercipta Untuk Tak Satu

Oh Biar Cintaku
Lihat Ceria Sisi Dunia Yang Terbentang Untuk Kita
Anggap Sajalah aku Persinggahan Untukmu
Temani Hari-hari Yang Kini Tlah Menyemu

And so, as the curtains closed, tomorrow will be another show

This is how a heart breaks (day 1)

One day after he left, I finally understand what it feels like to have a broken heart. I keep seeing him everywhere I go, like a ghost who keeps hunting me and wont let me go. It's like I can hear his footsteps outside, and I am sitting here waiting for him to come with a cigarette on his mouth saying "so what are we eating tonight". When I went through his cubicle, I can see him playing mafia wars while grinning to me with his favorite mug in his hand filled with hot sweet tea. Every time I hear somebody speaking french I keep hoping that it was him, but it's not, he left already. Every place, every song, everyone reminds me of him.

I can not sleep, every time I woke up I keep reaching out for him, but he's not there. I can not think, I can not work, I can not do anything. I lost appetite on every food, and when I finally made up my mind, I dial the phone, and all I can think about is all the food he likes, McChicken, McNuggets, Pizza with extra cheese, Nasi goreng, ayam goreng, pop corns, nuts and I hung up. All day, I keep staring on blank space trying to think of something to keep myself busy. I want to throw out all his things, but I end up staring them for a long time and think about him. How he loves to play cards, billiard, his passion for movies and how he hates the movies that I choose.

It's funny how his habits is the thing that I loved the most from him, how he chew when he sleeps, how he reach for me every night when we sleep, how he eat everything with salty soy sauce, how he never want to loose in every game, and sulk when he actually losses, how he always stocks the fridge with cokes and Bintang beer. God I missed him so much, I don't know how much tears I already shed for him, and it's seems that it will not be drying soon enough.

I know that my friends are worried about me, I can read the sad expression on their faces, but I really don't want to talk with anyone, I just need to be left alone. I told them it's okay, I'll be fine, I will move on soon, I'm lying. How am I suppose to move on if I can not even convince myself to move on, I'm not ready to let him go, I guess I will never be.

They say time will heal, so I'm gonna give time more time to heal me, in the meantime I'll enjoy my solitude and my weakness, my pain and grieve for the man I love. At the end of the day, I went to his desk, touch every things that he use to touch, lay my head on his desk, and cried.

Destroyed

A friend of mine told me just now that I look destroyed, a pretty big word. But since English is not her native tongue, I acknowledge her limitation of words. She might actually referring to crushed, either way, both word describe perfectly the state I am at the moment. For all of you out there that experienced broken heart because your man/woman left you, you know how it is. The only different is I know that it is going to happen for sure, and I know exactly when it's going to happen.

It will happen today, he will leave me, go back to his country, and the arms of his girlfriend. While I am here, in the point of falling, just one more step from the edge. And as I see from way up here, it will be a long and painful fall. Can you imagine someone that you love, in the arms of someone else, we'll I can not. But then again life screw you every now and then, like watching an accident, all you can do see it, without being able to do anything about it. So you brace yourself, try to be strong, and as one of my friend always said, "so be it".

The funny thing is that I already know the situation from the beginning, and I choose to be inside all of this mess. We'll be lover for 4 months, nobody needs to know, then he'll go home and leave it all behind. While I will be here trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. This reminds me of a quote that I read the other day "if a relation is a secret, then you shouldn't be in it", wise words, which I can not execute, as they said "there's one born every minute", I guess I'm one of those idiots.

Don't ask why I did it, I don't have the answer as well, all I know is I loved him, even if I can't have him. So I closed my mind and my heart of all reasoning, as reality falls upon me, I refuse to see.

The most difficult part of all this is that I am not allowed to complained, I don't have the right to feel anything, or to be sad. My friends will tell me, stop whining you know about it, I've warned you about it, but you choose it, you know the risk, now face it. But the thing is I still have feeling, I hope I have an on and off button for it, but I don't. I am sad, I am mad, I am destroyed, I'm sorry I didn't listen. But to tell you the truth, if I have to do it all again, I will do it all over again, what we had was beautiful, and for the first time in my life I can say that I am in love, I felt loved and felt accepted as who I am.

I know it sound pathetic, that love does not belong to only me, even if it belong to someone else, even if it's temporary, even if it will break me, I accepted it gratefully. And when my time runs out, I'll try to be strong, and moved on.

I wanted him to say don't worry, I'll be back someday, we'll be together again
but no word comes out of his mouth
I know he can not promise something that he doesn't know weather he'll be able to keep or not
Then our last month becomes our last week, our last day, and our last hours until time runs out
while my heart shattered all over the place, and it died little by little
Look up to the sky and pray
"Dear God, If we were meant to be I believe we will be together again someday. But if we are not Please take care of him, let him be loved always, let him always in Your protection, let him be happy and let him succeed in everything he does.
As for me, I don't want to wish for anything, I've lost him, I don't want anything else.
I'm just hoping time will do it's job, to make me forget, to make me fall in love again someday
until the day comes, I will take one day at a time, hoping that tomorrow will be better than today

Tomorrow I will put my daily facade, and pretend to be someone else like every other day, someone who's tough. But for this last few hours, even if I am the sinner, even if I am the home wrecker, please let me weep. While I cry silently, please forgive me and help me move on.