This is how a heart breaks (day 1)

One day after he left, I finally understand what it feels like to have a broken heart. I keep seeing him everywhere I go, like a ghost who keeps hunting me and wont let me go. It's like I can hear his footsteps outside, and I am sitting here waiting for him to come with a cigarette on his mouth saying "so what are we eating tonight". When I went through his cubicle, I can see him playing mafia wars while grinning to me with his favorite mug in his hand filled with hot sweet tea. Every time I hear somebody speaking french I keep hoping that it was him, but it's not, he left already. Every place, every song, everyone reminds me of him.

I can not sleep, every time I woke up I keep reaching out for him, but he's not there. I can not think, I can not work, I can not do anything. I lost appetite on every food, and when I finally made up my mind, I dial the phone, and all I can think about is all the food he likes, McChicken, McNuggets, Pizza with extra cheese, Nasi goreng, ayam goreng, pop corns, nuts and I hung up. All day, I keep staring on blank space trying to think of something to keep myself busy. I want to throw out all his things, but I end up staring them for a long time and think about him. How he loves to play cards, billiard, his passion for movies and how he hates the movies that I choose.

It's funny how his habits is the thing that I loved the most from him, how he chew when he sleeps, how he reach for me every night when we sleep, how he eat everything with salty soy sauce, how he never want to loose in every game, and sulk when he actually losses, how he always stocks the fridge with cokes and Bintang beer. God I missed him so much, I don't know how much tears I already shed for him, and it's seems that it will not be drying soon enough.

I know that my friends are worried about me, I can read the sad expression on their faces, but I really don't want to talk with anyone, I just need to be left alone. I told them it's okay, I'll be fine, I will move on soon, I'm lying. How am I suppose to move on if I can not even convince myself to move on, I'm not ready to let him go, I guess I will never be.

They say time will heal, so I'm gonna give time more time to heal me, in the meantime I'll enjoy my solitude and my weakness, my pain and grieve for the man I love. At the end of the day, I went to his desk, touch every things that he use to touch, lay my head on his desk, and cried.