This is some things that I learn after working as an HR and accept lots of application in one day
1. Don’t use cheesy e-mail address, make the one with your name, or at least doesn’t contain anything like; cool, cute, number-one, or anything that satisfied your youth-wannabe-cool-but-plain-ridiculous-for-an-adult Email address
2. Please State the position you’re applying, it takes too much time and energy trying to figure out which position you’re actually applying, especially when your educational background and work experience don’t match. And please don’t put “applying for any position” that’s just plain desperate and a major turn off.
3. Don’t send your application to multiple employees at one time, we can see all the people you sent application to, and it’s like sending an e-mail blast, it’s simpler for you, but for us you’re simply lazy.
4. Make an application letter, at least 2 paragraphs, introduce yourself, the position you’re applying and all information related on why we should hire YOU for that position (education or experience, etc).
5. Put the application in the e-mail, don’t need to put it as an attachment, how hard is it to copy and paste from word file and just change it a bit depend on which company you’re applying to? Make sure you got the right TO and applying FOR, recheck just in case you just use it to apply in another company and there’s still some stuff in it that you need to change before you send it.
6. In your CV please state your education Background CLEARLY, I have bachelor degree from University A, ON WHAT? We’re not a clairvoyant there must be more than 10 majors in that university which one you graduated from? And please limit your education up until high school, we don’t want to know where your kindergarten or worse your playgroup is, find something more useful to make your CV look fuller.
7. Personal data, formal education, informal education and work is experience is obligatory, while the other is optional. But please keep the optional interesting and related to the job you’re applying.
8. Skill is important put any application that you think will be profitable like languages, computer skills etc. Organizational experience sometimes important, it shows how you work in a team, but please limit it to high school only, and you might consider putting knitting club in your CV to show that you’re patient, but if we’re not looking for women crafting club president, we don’t care.
9. If they ask about your current salary and expected remuneration, ANSWER! Don’t waste our time interviewing you and it turns out your expected salary is much higher than what we can offer. You can always put negotiable in your expected salary, that will be our reference too
10. Keep your CV short, 2 page is the maximum, how you should fit everything in one or two page, that’s YOUR problem, too many pages makes us lost interest in reading, especially if we have A LOT of CV we need to read
11. Put you Photo in your CV, don’t put it in separate file, and please, unless you’re applying to become a model, put a standard passport photo. Don’t take from the photos from your profile pics in facebook or friendster, or cropped version from your night out picture, it’s unprofessional and just plain silly.
12. Don’t be too creative, if the position you’re applying is a creative job like design, editor, illustrator etc, be free to create. But if you’re applying for staff jobs, keep the KISS standard, Keep It Simple Stupid, if you use too much “creativity” by using various formats and colors, it might be annoying for the people that read your CV. Maybe they don’t have the same “sophisticated” computer programs as you and your CV just end up plain messy. If you want to make it more stylish convert it to Pdf that way it won’t change and they can read it as you wrote it.
13. Don’t put too many attachment in an application E-mail, CV (important), and if requested your graduation document (certificate & GPA), sometimes they ask for TOEFL/IELTS score, and sometimes your driver license. Just put the things they demanded, don’t put things that they do not ask, no need for you and for them.
14. Put down the phone number you are probably will easiest to receive, mobile phone is more preferable, house phone is okay if you don't have a job and you stay at home most of the time, your current office phone is not recommended, I find it not convenient calling a person to have an interview for a position in my office in her/his current office phone, felt like stealing a bit you know. And if I cant reach you after 3 times I called, I just put your application in the bin, too much work to talk to you while I still have many applicants in line.
15. Make sure you google a bit about the company you’re applying to, so when they call you wont sound stupid. It’s annoying for me to answer applicant that ask the name of company, which position did they apply, which business
I’ll add some more if I remember them LOL, for now this is the basic rules
Senin, 26 Oktober 2009
Jumat, 02 Oktober 2009
Indonesian Pride
I woke up late this morning, I had a really unfriendly week (really 2 hours to go to the office is just too much lol). so I rush to take a shower and realized that today is Batik's day, since I'm too lazy to explain I'll give a piece of article on Batik and Batik Day
Batik
"Batik (Javanese pronunciation: [ˈbateʔ]; Indonesian pronunciation: [ˈbaːtik]; English: /ˈbætɪk/ or /bəˈtiːk/) is cloth which traditionally uses a manual wax-resist dyeing technique. Due to modern advances in the textile industry, the term has been extended to include fabrics which incorporate traditional batik patterns even if they are not produced using the wax-resist dyeing techniques. Silk batik is especially popular.[citation needed]
Javanese traditional batik, especially from Yogyakarta and Surakarta, has special meanings rooted to the Javanese conceptualization of the universe. Traditional colours include indigo, dark brown, and white which represent the three major Hindu Gods (Brahmā, Visnu, and Śiva). This is related to the fact that natural dyes are only available in indigo and brown. Certain patterns can only be worn by nobility; traditionally, wider stripes or wavy lines of greater width indicated higher rank. Consequently, during Javanese ceremonies, one could determine the royal lineage of a person by the cloth he or she was wearing.
Other regions of Indonesia have their own unique patterns which normally take themes from everyday lives, incorporating patterns such as flowers, nature, animals, folklore or people. The colours of pesisir batik, from the coastal cities of northern Java, is especially vibrant, and it absorbs influence from the Javanese, Arab, Chinese and Dutch culture. In the colonial times pesisir batik was a favorite of the Peranakan Chinese, Dutch and Eurasians."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batik
"The word batik is thought to be derived from the word 'ambatik' which translated means 'a cloth with little dots'. The suffix 'tik' means little dot, drop, point or to make dots. Batik may also originate from the Javanese word 'tritik' which describes a resist process for dying where the patterns are reserved on the textiles by tying and sewing areas prior to dying, similar to tie dye techniques. Another Javanese phase for the mystical experience of making batik is “mbatik manah” which means “drawing a batik design on the heart”.
http://www.expat.or.id/info/batik.html
Batik Day
"Indonesians have been asked to wear batik on Oct. 2, following UNESCO’s decision to add the traditional dyeing technique to its Intangible Cultural Heritage list.
The listing, which will give the age-old batik tradition some degree of protection under the UNESCO charter, will be made official at an event in Abu Dhabi, the United Arab Emirates, between Sep. 28 and Oct. 2.
To acknowledge the listing, President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono has asked all Indonesians to wear batik.
“Batik is regarded as a cultural icon with its own uniqueness. It contains symbols and a deep philosophy of the human life cycle — and it was submitted by Indonesia as a non-material element of cultural heritage,” Coordinating Minister for the People’s Welfare Aburizal Bakrie told a press conference at Bogor Presidential Palace on Monday."
http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2009/09/08/batik-selected-unesco-cultural-heritage-list.html
yeah well that's the reason LOL (laziness is a disease I guess), so I run trough my closet looking for batik, fortunately I got two (you could never go wrong with batik, so having at least one is obligatory). So I went out to go to the office and was astounded by the sea of Batik outside. I guess all Indonesian takes the event seriously by heart, I've never see so many models, colors and design of Batik. It was really astounding and heartwarming to see all those people from different background wears batik proudly. Years ago you could only see people wears batik on special occasions like weddings, formal ceremonies etc. I mean some school wears batik as their Friday uniform and also government officials, but that's not a choice, just obligation if you know what I mean.
The booming of batik I guess started when there is another country that tries to claim batik as theirs, this matter really upsets Indonesian, there are a lot of arguments, bad mouthing (normal decent thing to do when you're quarrellings between neighbors I guess hahaha) etc. After that I guess people realize if they want to keep the tradition alive, the have to utilize it to the max. So people start to make more modern design of Batik, with colors and cuts. The effect was amazing, Batik is no longer becomes a tradition, it's a lifestyle for the young and hip, it's no longer a formal wear, it's is now a casual dress code. And I personally support this noble cause.
So as i enjoy my trip to the office through the pollution, traffic jam, cramped-hot-slow public transportation and occasionally some swearing between the road user. I start to count the number of people wearing batik, ah the pleasure of doing useless thing before work. there should be at least 1000 people using Batik today, and as Indonesian, I felt proud to be one, and I'm going to wear my Batik proudly.
Batik
"Batik (Javanese pronunciation: [ˈbateʔ]; Indonesian pronunciation: [ˈbaːtik]; English: /ˈbætɪk/ or /bəˈtiːk/) is cloth which traditionally uses a manual wax-resist dyeing technique. Due to modern advances in the textile industry, the term has been extended to include fabrics which incorporate traditional batik patterns even if they are not produced using the wax-resist dyeing techniques. Silk batik is especially popular.[citation needed]
Javanese traditional batik, especially from Yogyakarta and Surakarta, has special meanings rooted to the Javanese conceptualization of the universe. Traditional colours include indigo, dark brown, and white which represent the three major Hindu Gods (Brahmā, Visnu, and Śiva). This is related to the fact that natural dyes are only available in indigo and brown. Certain patterns can only be worn by nobility; traditionally, wider stripes or wavy lines of greater width indicated higher rank. Consequently, during Javanese ceremonies, one could determine the royal lineage of a person by the cloth he or she was wearing.
Other regions of Indonesia have their own unique patterns which normally take themes from everyday lives, incorporating patterns such as flowers, nature, animals, folklore or people. The colours of pesisir batik, from the coastal cities of northern Java, is especially vibrant, and it absorbs influence from the Javanese, Arab, Chinese and Dutch culture. In the colonial times pesisir batik was a favorite of the Peranakan Chinese, Dutch and Eurasians."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batik
"The word batik is thought to be derived from the word 'ambatik' which translated means 'a cloth with little dots'. The suffix 'tik' means little dot, drop, point or to make dots. Batik may also originate from the Javanese word 'tritik' which describes a resist process for dying where the patterns are reserved on the textiles by tying and sewing areas prior to dying, similar to tie dye techniques. Another Javanese phase for the mystical experience of making batik is “mbatik manah” which means “drawing a batik design on the heart”.
http://www.expat.or.id/info/batik.html
Batik Day
"Indonesians have been asked to wear batik on Oct. 2, following UNESCO’s decision to add the traditional dyeing technique to its Intangible Cultural Heritage list.
The listing, which will give the age-old batik tradition some degree of protection under the UNESCO charter, will be made official at an event in Abu Dhabi, the United Arab Emirates, between Sep. 28 and Oct. 2.
To acknowledge the listing, President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono has asked all Indonesians to wear batik.
“Batik is regarded as a cultural icon with its own uniqueness. It contains symbols and a deep philosophy of the human life cycle — and it was submitted by Indonesia as a non-material element of cultural heritage,” Coordinating Minister for the People’s Welfare Aburizal Bakrie told a press conference at Bogor Presidential Palace on Monday."
http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2009/09/08/batik-selected-unesco-cultural-heritage-list.html
yeah well that's the reason LOL (laziness is a disease I guess), so I run trough my closet looking for batik, fortunately I got two (you could never go wrong with batik, so having at least one is obligatory). So I went out to go to the office and was astounded by the sea of Batik outside. I guess all Indonesian takes the event seriously by heart, I've never see so many models, colors and design of Batik. It was really astounding and heartwarming to see all those people from different background wears batik proudly. Years ago you could only see people wears batik on special occasions like weddings, formal ceremonies etc. I mean some school wears batik as their Friday uniform and also government officials, but that's not a choice, just obligation if you know what I mean.
The booming of batik I guess started when there is another country that tries to claim batik as theirs, this matter really upsets Indonesian, there are a lot of arguments, bad mouthing (normal decent thing to do when you're quarrellings between neighbors I guess hahaha) etc. After that I guess people realize if they want to keep the tradition alive, the have to utilize it to the max. So people start to make more modern design of Batik, with colors and cuts. The effect was amazing, Batik is no longer becomes a tradition, it's a lifestyle for the young and hip, it's no longer a formal wear, it's is now a casual dress code. And I personally support this noble cause.
So as i enjoy my trip to the office through the pollution, traffic jam, cramped-hot-slow public transportation and occasionally some swearing between the road user. I start to count the number of people wearing batik, ah the pleasure of doing useless thing before work. there should be at least 1000 people using Batik today, and as Indonesian, I felt proud to be one, and I'm going to wear my Batik proudly.
Rabu, 23 September 2009
HOW TO GET OVER A BREAKUP
It's been a while since I wrote on this blog, I was busy with life and other stuff. At first I thought that it will take a long time for me to heal and forget about him, not completely wrong, but not completely right either. I'm happy to say that I've move on, I've stopped feeling sad and depressed days ago. Even though I think about him every now and then, but the memory does not have the power to hurt me anymore, it's just a memory of a good time we had to help me get through some darkest hour. I don't hate him, I still care for him, he's still a good friend of mine, as for love, I don't know yet. I guess love is like a flower, it needs sun and water, I stop watering my flower a week after he left, and his warmth did not shine on the flower anymore. So as the law of nature, sooner or later it will die, but I will dry it out and put it in a plastic cover, I will use it as a bookmark in a chapter of my life, about him, and the happiness he has given me.
It was tough the first two week after he left, but I manage somehow to get through, and I want to share the steps I made to get here
1. Give yourself time to be alone and be sad, let your memories run through your brain and the pain run through your body, cry as hard as you want, don't hold back anything. I only need 2-3 days for this, but may be different for some people. Afterward, the memories will diminish little by little
2. Don't do anything if you don't want to, because the result will not be good. Don't force yourself to go our and have fun, because you wont. Try something more simple, have your friend come to dinner and chit chat, or go to your friends house to have dinner. I was invited to a dinner in one of my friend house, his boyfriend invite 2 of his mates, it turns out to be great. I have a great conversation with them, of course the breaking up subject will naturally comes out, and the three boys always have something to say about it (it's great to have the insight of the opposite sex, especially when they are mature and have been in the field for sometime). One of them has just recently broke up with his 3 years GF and has been really charming and kind all night. I guess he understand what I'm through, if my mind wonders and I have that blank face he will ask, are you alright, are you having fun? that was sweet.
3. Pampers yourself, do all the things you want to do to feel good, go swimming, spa, shopping, go to the park, enjoy the beauty of life. My idea of pampering myself is to have a nice dinner out to new places, buy some books that I like and just stay on my room all day, reading and being lazy LOL.
4. Take care of yourself, go to a beauty shop get some pedicure, manicure, facial, have your hair colored, or anything that will make you look good and feel good. I'm on a diet, already lost 8 pounds, and my old clothes starts to fit again. I use lotion regularly for my dry skin, put on a face mask every 3 days, get a cream bath for my hair once a week, and I feel fine. When you take care of your body, and see the result you will look good and feel good, when I see my skin glow healthily and how my stomach getting flatter, the thought of my ex does not even bother me, I feel too good to be sad. Two days a ago I went out with some friend, there is a guy that gives me the look (you know "you look fine girl" kind of look) and I felt fabulous! he wants me, it boost my self confident.
5. Change yourself, change the inside will be a bit difficult but it will comes with time. Change the outside is good also, my physical appearance is getting better with my intense grooming lol. I'm buying contacts to replace my glasses, getting a brace for my teeth, change my hair color, and thinking of getting hair extension lol. I might go extreme and get a nice tattoo lol. Tattoo always makes me feel sexy.
6. Make a resolution, you know the new year type resolution, plan your future, it will make you focus on your future goals. I'm enrolling a language course, take up gym with my brother, and take a vocal lesson to bring out my old voice. I also start a new business with a friend, a long time dream of mine, I've been saving money, now it's the showdown lol, I'm really excited and looking forward to this, and they will keep me positively busy.
7. Don't hate your ex, I know it's the easiest way to get over it, but it's no good, like Will Smith say "through life people will make you mad, disrespect you and makes you sad, let God deal with the things they do because keeping hate in your heart will consume you to". Don't go over and over about the things you don't like from him, you're going to disrespect the good memories you have with him, use it to make you smile, not sad. I can't use his defaults to make me hate him, because to me all of that are just "cute" for me. He's just a memory, a chapter in your life, you live you learn! either way all the things that happen in your past is the one that makes you who you are today, say thank you and move on. Always be nice with him no matter painful, I believe in karma, what goes around comes around, if you keep being nice, one day there will be a person who will do the same for you, just keep believing, your kind heart will be rewarded, one day someone will come and love you the way you love him, and he will make you happy the way you make him happy, it's proven by one of my best friend lol.
8. Get busy, I always liked to take care of other people, a week after he left I stayed in a friends house for a few days, taking care of her makes me feel good. I like to cook for her, talked, and do a lot of things with her. After I went to my mom's house and took care of her and my siblings. Now I'm just doing fine, cooking keeps me busy and happy.
9. Do not do anything to harm yourself, I repeat DO NOT! you're not only hurting yourself but also hurting people that loves you and care for you, put yourself in their shoes, they will feel disappointed if you do. Do not even think about suicide, that's just lame, pity is not the way to win him back, it's just weak. As Mr. Satterthwaite a character in Agatha Christie novel said "I can never commit suicide for two reasons, one I don't have the courage, second I'm always curious of what going to happen tomorrow". Hey you never know, maybe you find someone else tomorrow, or maybe you'll be back with him tomorrow, don't give up and give life a chance to make it better.
10. Surround yourself with friends and family, you might not want to hear what their opinion that you can not accept, admit it even if your boyfriend is an ass****, you know he's an ass****, but when you friend said it, you wont listen and tried to defend him, silly but understandable. But you'r friend and family will LISTEN, and make you laugh and loved. Hey they might try to hook you up with some dudes, like me, don't refuse, but only when you're ready. It's good to make new friend, and who knows, maybe one of them will get to your heart *wink*
11. Last but not least, LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST! you never know when you going to go, so use your limited time in the world to be happy and make everyone else happy. And remember NO REGRETS, what happen in the past is what makes you who you are now! Enjoy every good food, music, books, movies all the little things in life, endeavor it with great appetite. Then you will understand that you've been blessed with good friends, good family, and good life.
Here is a simple test to see if you already get over him or not, kiss a guy, maybe someone you know or a stranger. If you don't feel guilt and not thinking that when you kiss the guy you're making a revenge towards him, then you're good. If you feel the other two, get back to step one LOL. A kiss should feel good, and if it does, blushing like a teenager, and smiling from cheek to cheek, then you're over it, enjoy!
Cheers to all the ladies in the world! You're all beautiful, strong and kind hearted! you shall be loved by a man that know how to appreciate you.
Love
-Mare-
It was tough the first two week after he left, but I manage somehow to get through, and I want to share the steps I made to get here
1. Give yourself time to be alone and be sad, let your memories run through your brain and the pain run through your body, cry as hard as you want, don't hold back anything. I only need 2-3 days for this, but may be different for some people. Afterward, the memories will diminish little by little
2. Don't do anything if you don't want to, because the result will not be good. Don't force yourself to go our and have fun, because you wont. Try something more simple, have your friend come to dinner and chit chat, or go to your friends house to have dinner. I was invited to a dinner in one of my friend house, his boyfriend invite 2 of his mates, it turns out to be great. I have a great conversation with them, of course the breaking up subject will naturally comes out, and the three boys always have something to say about it (it's great to have the insight of the opposite sex, especially when they are mature and have been in the field for sometime). One of them has just recently broke up with his 3 years GF and has been really charming and kind all night. I guess he understand what I'm through, if my mind wonders and I have that blank face he will ask, are you alright, are you having fun? that was sweet.
3. Pampers yourself, do all the things you want to do to feel good, go swimming, spa, shopping, go to the park, enjoy the beauty of life. My idea of pampering myself is to have a nice dinner out to new places, buy some books that I like and just stay on my room all day, reading and being lazy LOL.
4. Take care of yourself, go to a beauty shop get some pedicure, manicure, facial, have your hair colored, or anything that will make you look good and feel good. I'm on a diet, already lost 8 pounds, and my old clothes starts to fit again. I use lotion regularly for my dry skin, put on a face mask every 3 days, get a cream bath for my hair once a week, and I feel fine. When you take care of your body, and see the result you will look good and feel good, when I see my skin glow healthily and how my stomach getting flatter, the thought of my ex does not even bother me, I feel too good to be sad. Two days a ago I went out with some friend, there is a guy that gives me the look (you know "you look fine girl" kind of look) and I felt fabulous! he wants me, it boost my self confident.
5. Change yourself, change the inside will be a bit difficult but it will comes with time. Change the outside is good also, my physical appearance is getting better with my intense grooming lol. I'm buying contacts to replace my glasses, getting a brace for my teeth, change my hair color, and thinking of getting hair extension lol. I might go extreme and get a nice tattoo lol. Tattoo always makes me feel sexy.
6. Make a resolution, you know the new year type resolution, plan your future, it will make you focus on your future goals. I'm enrolling a language course, take up gym with my brother, and take a vocal lesson to bring out my old voice. I also start a new business with a friend, a long time dream of mine, I've been saving money, now it's the showdown lol, I'm really excited and looking forward to this, and they will keep me positively busy.
7. Don't hate your ex, I know it's the easiest way to get over it, but it's no good, like Will Smith say "through life people will make you mad, disrespect you and makes you sad, let God deal with the things they do because keeping hate in your heart will consume you to". Don't go over and over about the things you don't like from him, you're going to disrespect the good memories you have with him, use it to make you smile, not sad. I can't use his defaults to make me hate him, because to me all of that are just "cute" for me. He's just a memory, a chapter in your life, you live you learn! either way all the things that happen in your past is the one that makes you who you are today, say thank you and move on. Always be nice with him no matter painful, I believe in karma, what goes around comes around, if you keep being nice, one day there will be a person who will do the same for you, just keep believing, your kind heart will be rewarded, one day someone will come and love you the way you love him, and he will make you happy the way you make him happy, it's proven by one of my best friend lol.
8. Get busy, I always liked to take care of other people, a week after he left I stayed in a friends house for a few days, taking care of her makes me feel good. I like to cook for her, talked, and do a lot of things with her. After I went to my mom's house and took care of her and my siblings. Now I'm just doing fine, cooking keeps me busy and happy.
9. Do not do anything to harm yourself, I repeat DO NOT! you're not only hurting yourself but also hurting people that loves you and care for you, put yourself in their shoes, they will feel disappointed if you do. Do not even think about suicide, that's just lame, pity is not the way to win him back, it's just weak. As Mr. Satterthwaite a character in Agatha Christie novel said "I can never commit suicide for two reasons, one I don't have the courage, second I'm always curious of what going to happen tomorrow". Hey you never know, maybe you find someone else tomorrow, or maybe you'll be back with him tomorrow, don't give up and give life a chance to make it better.
10. Surround yourself with friends and family, you might not want to hear what their opinion that you can not accept, admit it even if your boyfriend is an ass****, you know he's an ass****, but when you friend said it, you wont listen and tried to defend him, silly but understandable. But you'r friend and family will LISTEN, and make you laugh and loved. Hey they might try to hook you up with some dudes, like me, don't refuse, but only when you're ready. It's good to make new friend, and who knows, maybe one of them will get to your heart *wink*
11. Last but not least, LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST! you never know when you going to go, so use your limited time in the world to be happy and make everyone else happy. And remember NO REGRETS, what happen in the past is what makes you who you are now! Enjoy every good food, music, books, movies all the little things in life, endeavor it with great appetite. Then you will understand that you've been blessed with good friends, good family, and good life.
Here is a simple test to see if you already get over him or not, kiss a guy, maybe someone you know or a stranger. If you don't feel guilt and not thinking that when you kiss the guy you're making a revenge towards him, then you're good. If you feel the other two, get back to step one LOL. A kiss should feel good, and if it does, blushing like a teenager, and smiling from cheek to cheek, then you're over it, enjoy!
Cheers to all the ladies in the world! You're all beautiful, strong and kind hearted! you shall be loved by a man that know how to appreciate you.
Love
-Mare-
Selasa, 08 September 2009
(Old) Numb
This is an old Blog that I wrote, but I want to move it here, so I can remember how it was back then
Sunday, April 03, 2005
1.12 AM
Have you ever feel numb?
I have, often, too often than I want to feel. I have difficulty in describing the feeling in words, since I always feel words means everything and nothing the same. On those days I swing my self with everything and nothing in my mind. It's all up there, scribbled down in my brains, but nothing comes out of it, blank, yet I know it existed. I didn't feel anything of it, not happy, not sad, not confusing nor clear, just numb. Why, why does people feel this way? does everyone else feels it too sometimes? Or is it just me and my thoughts? I can not help but wonder.
At those times I wanted to hurt myself just to know weather I will notice the pain, or will I notice nothing, just numb? I hurt other people just to know weather the guilt will run inside me, it stays the same, nothing. I hurt people with words, words that are spilled from my mouth consciously, without thinking of the consequences, without wondering the effects to others.
Why am I this way? am I evil? do I really want people to hate me? do I'm ready to hold the consequences? I have no answer. I've lost the meaning of life all the same, no goals, nothing to gain, no ambition. Am I really what I am? Or does my feelings and my thoughts deceive me? Could somebody give me the answers? will I ever change?
I have achieved many things in my life, yes I am proud, but I don't feel special. Am I really didn't want to be someone special? or am I scared that I'm not special? My mind could not decide, and I stayed blurred as I always. Am I a hypocrite or am I honest? you could decide for me, since the ability is out from my reach. I feel that I am a complex person, but you can really see me and judge that I'm simple. A lot of things I refuse to admit in life, or maybe I'm just not sure of it.
Notes: After 4 years I still don't know the answer, you can answer it for me
Sunday, April 03, 2005
1.12 AM
Have you ever feel numb?
I have, often, too often than I want to feel. I have difficulty in describing the feeling in words, since I always feel words means everything and nothing the same. On those days I swing my self with everything and nothing in my mind. It's all up there, scribbled down in my brains, but nothing comes out of it, blank, yet I know it existed. I didn't feel anything of it, not happy, not sad, not confusing nor clear, just numb. Why, why does people feel this way? does everyone else feels it too sometimes? Or is it just me and my thoughts? I can not help but wonder.
At those times I wanted to hurt myself just to know weather I will notice the pain, or will I notice nothing, just numb? I hurt other people just to know weather the guilt will run inside me, it stays the same, nothing. I hurt people with words, words that are spilled from my mouth consciously, without thinking of the consequences, without wondering the effects to others.
Why am I this way? am I evil? do I really want people to hate me? do I'm ready to hold the consequences? I have no answer. I've lost the meaning of life all the same, no goals, nothing to gain, no ambition. Am I really what I am? Or does my feelings and my thoughts deceive me? Could somebody give me the answers? will I ever change?
I have achieved many things in my life, yes I am proud, but I don't feel special. Am I really didn't want to be someone special? or am I scared that I'm not special? My mind could not decide, and I stayed blurred as I always. Am I a hypocrite or am I honest? you could decide for me, since the ability is out from my reach. I feel that I am a complex person, but you can really see me and judge that I'm simple. A lot of things I refuse to admit in life, or maybe I'm just not sure of it.
Notes: After 4 years I still don't know the answer, you can answer it for me
Being Alone
Here I am alone in the office, and I don't know why life coincidence me with the things that I shouldn't be be in. I just come back after smoking with a friend, and while I'm writing this blog, Jewel's 1000 miles lyrics played.
It's morning time, wonder where you are
Wonder who you're talking to
Wonder if the sun has risen where you are
It's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin
This bed's too big without you
Oh god, what do i do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.
The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car
A little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green
Maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,
Maybe my heart's too weak
There's just this feeling, thought I had to get going
Got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here
But now i don't know how to get home.
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.
Mama says take my vitamins,
Daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late"
Sister says "there's other fishes in the sea"
But love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice
No, love is not a rational thing
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.
These fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt
She used to tell me that
"life is a series of strange and mysterious things
One minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"
Your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"
But your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.
Funny how the song sang about my feelings in the saddest way, I already cut him off from my life, see new people but his ghost still lingers hurting me. I'm lying to myself if I say I will move on soon, so instead I use the phrase to lie to my friends. And the questions still lingers, why. Not a word from him, not a single message, I feel so stupid. But unfortunately my heart have a heart of it's own. I know I'm dissapointing my friends by being this way, I'm hurting myself more and more, I wish someone will guide a way from me, just show me how it's done.
Even though I am determined to go on, but deep down I know I will still waits for him. Maybe it's easier if he tell me directly, it will hurt so much but it will heal faster, better than hearing my friends say "girl he's with his girlfriend, you're stupid to thinks he cares, he just having fun with you, and you're stupid enough to take him seriously", "right now he's probably having fun listening someone else scream his name, and here you are thinking of him like a fool". The bitter truth, harsh but I understand deep down it's true I just refuse to accept it, like every other fool.
My friends are busy hooking me up with other guys, I had great times with them, but I'm just not ready. They said new love will heal your broken heart, but I'm such a party spoiler. I'm the old fashioned type who will wait for a month to date another guy, just to show my respect for the memory I had with him, laugh if you want, but it's just me.
It's easier in tho morning than nights, because mornings I'm busy with all things, as for nights. We'll my nights belong to him. So I'm always looking forward to mornings, while hating nighttimes.
My friends told me I look more feminine and mature lately, maybe it's because I don't look as alive as I used too. I do feel different, I feel colder, more calm. One thing I noticed, I'm getting skinny, I don't know whether it's because of him or my medication. Either way it's good, I met my old boss yesterday, he said I looked good, so I felt good. I'm going to meet him again sometimes soon, just maybe he can make me forget about him, maybe not we'll see, but after all this grieving I'll be ready to fall in love again, this time with the right guy of course LOL. Thinking about this makes me smiles, hey maybe little by little I am able to accept this, maybe I'll fall in love again sooner than I expected, we'll see. As for today, my heart still longing for the one I've lost, maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll let you know tomorrow lol. As I'm finishing my witting a song played, Beda by Gemala.
Satu Asa Yang Harus Pergi
Ungkap Semua Rahasia Diriku
Teringat Jelas Di Benakku
Indah Kisah Yang Tlah Lalu
Biarkan Cinta Yang Dulu Kan Tetap Indah
dan Biar Waktu Sembuhkan Luka Itu
Jangan Teruskan Kasihku
Walau Kita Satu
Mungkin Kita Tercipta Untuk Tak Satu
Oh Biar Cintaku
Lihat Ceria Sisi Dunia Yang Terbentang Untuk Kita
Anggap Sajalah aku Persinggahan Untukmu
Temani Hari-hari Yang Kini Tlah Menyemu
And so, as the curtains closed, tomorrow will be another show
It's morning time, wonder where you are
Wonder who you're talking to
Wonder if the sun has risen where you are
It's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin
This bed's too big without you
Oh god, what do i do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.
The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car
A little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green
Maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,
Maybe my heart's too weak
There's just this feeling, thought I had to get going
Got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here
But now i don't know how to get home.
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.
Mama says take my vitamins,
Daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late"
Sister says "there's other fishes in the sea"
But love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice
No, love is not a rational thing
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.
These fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt
She used to tell me that
"life is a series of strange and mysterious things
One minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"
Your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"
But your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"
Oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.
Funny how the song sang about my feelings in the saddest way, I already cut him off from my life, see new people but his ghost still lingers hurting me. I'm lying to myself if I say I will move on soon, so instead I use the phrase to lie to my friends. And the questions still lingers, why. Not a word from him, not a single message, I feel so stupid. But unfortunately my heart have a heart of it's own. I know I'm dissapointing my friends by being this way, I'm hurting myself more and more, I wish someone will guide a way from me, just show me how it's done.
Even though I am determined to go on, but deep down I know I will still waits for him. Maybe it's easier if he tell me directly, it will hurt so much but it will heal faster, better than hearing my friends say "girl he's with his girlfriend, you're stupid to thinks he cares, he just having fun with you, and you're stupid enough to take him seriously", "right now he's probably having fun listening someone else scream his name, and here you are thinking of him like a fool". The bitter truth, harsh but I understand deep down it's true I just refuse to accept it, like every other fool.
My friends are busy hooking me up with other guys, I had great times with them, but I'm just not ready. They said new love will heal your broken heart, but I'm such a party spoiler. I'm the old fashioned type who will wait for a month to date another guy, just to show my respect for the memory I had with him, laugh if you want, but it's just me.
It's easier in tho morning than nights, because mornings I'm busy with all things, as for nights. We'll my nights belong to him. So I'm always looking forward to mornings, while hating nighttimes.
My friends told me I look more feminine and mature lately, maybe it's because I don't look as alive as I used too. I do feel different, I feel colder, more calm. One thing I noticed, I'm getting skinny, I don't know whether it's because of him or my medication. Either way it's good, I met my old boss yesterday, he said I looked good, so I felt good. I'm going to meet him again sometimes soon, just maybe he can make me forget about him, maybe not we'll see, but after all this grieving I'll be ready to fall in love again, this time with the right guy of course LOL. Thinking about this makes me smiles, hey maybe little by little I am able to accept this, maybe I'll fall in love again sooner than I expected, we'll see. As for today, my heart still longing for the one I've lost, maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll let you know tomorrow lol. As I'm finishing my witting a song played, Beda by Gemala.
Satu Asa Yang Harus Pergi
Ungkap Semua Rahasia Diriku
Teringat Jelas Di Benakku
Indah Kisah Yang Tlah Lalu
Biarkan Cinta Yang Dulu Kan Tetap Indah
dan Biar Waktu Sembuhkan Luka Itu
Jangan Teruskan Kasihku
Walau Kita Satu
Mungkin Kita Tercipta Untuk Tak Satu
Oh Biar Cintaku
Lihat Ceria Sisi Dunia Yang Terbentang Untuk Kita
Anggap Sajalah aku Persinggahan Untukmu
Temani Hari-hari Yang Kini Tlah Menyemu
And so, as the curtains closed, tomorrow will be another show
Selasa, 01 September 2009
This is how a heart breaks (day 1)
One day after he left, I finally understand what it feels like to have a broken heart. I keep seeing him everywhere I go, like a ghost who keeps hunting me and wont let me go. It's like I can hear his footsteps outside, and I am sitting here waiting for him to come with a cigarette on his mouth saying "so what are we eating tonight". When I went through his cubicle, I can see him playing mafia wars while grinning to me with his favorite mug in his hand filled with hot sweet tea. Every time I hear somebody speaking french I keep hoping that it was him, but it's not, he left already. Every place, every song, everyone reminds me of him.
I can not sleep, every time I woke up I keep reaching out for him, but he's not there. I can not think, I can not work, I can not do anything. I lost appetite on every food, and when I finally made up my mind, I dial the phone, and all I can think about is all the food he likes, McChicken, McNuggets, Pizza with extra cheese, Nasi goreng, ayam goreng, pop corns, nuts and I hung up. All day, I keep staring on blank space trying to think of something to keep myself busy. I want to throw out all his things, but I end up staring them for a long time and think about him. How he loves to play cards, billiard, his passion for movies and how he hates the movies that I choose.
It's funny how his habits is the thing that I loved the most from him, how he chew when he sleeps, how he reach for me every night when we sleep, how he eat everything with salty soy sauce, how he never want to loose in every game, and sulk when he actually losses, how he always stocks the fridge with cokes and Bintang beer. God I missed him so much, I don't know how much tears I already shed for him, and it's seems that it will not be drying soon enough.
I know that my friends are worried about me, I can read the sad expression on their faces, but I really don't want to talk with anyone, I just need to be left alone. I told them it's okay, I'll be fine, I will move on soon, I'm lying. How am I suppose to move on if I can not even convince myself to move on, I'm not ready to let him go, I guess I will never be.
They say time will heal, so I'm gonna give time more time to heal me, in the meantime I'll enjoy my solitude and my weakness, my pain and grieve for the man I love. At the end of the day, I went to his desk, touch every things that he use to touch, lay my head on his desk, and cried.
I can not sleep, every time I woke up I keep reaching out for him, but he's not there. I can not think, I can not work, I can not do anything. I lost appetite on every food, and when I finally made up my mind, I dial the phone, and all I can think about is all the food he likes, McChicken, McNuggets, Pizza with extra cheese, Nasi goreng, ayam goreng, pop corns, nuts and I hung up. All day, I keep staring on blank space trying to think of something to keep myself busy. I want to throw out all his things, but I end up staring them for a long time and think about him. How he loves to play cards, billiard, his passion for movies and how he hates the movies that I choose.
It's funny how his habits is the thing that I loved the most from him, how he chew when he sleeps, how he reach for me every night when we sleep, how he eat everything with salty soy sauce, how he never want to loose in every game, and sulk when he actually losses, how he always stocks the fridge with cokes and Bintang beer. God I missed him so much, I don't know how much tears I already shed for him, and it's seems that it will not be drying soon enough.
I know that my friends are worried about me, I can read the sad expression on their faces, but I really don't want to talk with anyone, I just need to be left alone. I told them it's okay, I'll be fine, I will move on soon, I'm lying. How am I suppose to move on if I can not even convince myself to move on, I'm not ready to let him go, I guess I will never be.
They say time will heal, so I'm gonna give time more time to heal me, in the meantime I'll enjoy my solitude and my weakness, my pain and grieve for the man I love. At the end of the day, I went to his desk, touch every things that he use to touch, lay my head on his desk, and cried.
Minggu, 30 Agustus 2009
Destroyed
A friend of mine told me just now that I look destroyed, a pretty big word. But since English is not her native tongue, I acknowledge her limitation of words. She might actually referring to crushed, either way, both word describe perfectly the state I am at the moment. For all of you out there that experienced broken heart because your man/woman left you, you know how it is. The only different is I know that it is going to happen for sure, and I know exactly when it's going to happen.
It will happen today, he will leave me, go back to his country, and the arms of his girlfriend. While I am here, in the point of falling, just one more step from the edge. And as I see from way up here, it will be a long and painful fall. Can you imagine someone that you love, in the arms of someone else, we'll I can not. But then again life screw you every now and then, like watching an accident, all you can do see it, without being able to do anything about it. So you brace yourself, try to be strong, and as one of my friend always said, "so be it".
The funny thing is that I already know the situation from the beginning, and I choose to be inside all of this mess. We'll be lover for 4 months, nobody needs to know, then he'll go home and leave it all behind. While I will be here trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. This reminds me of a quote that I read the other day "if a relation is a secret, then you shouldn't be in it", wise words, which I can not execute, as they said "there's one born every minute", I guess I'm one of those idiots.
Don't ask why I did it, I don't have the answer as well, all I know is I loved him, even if I can't have him. So I closed my mind and my heart of all reasoning, as reality falls upon me, I refuse to see.
The most difficult part of all this is that I am not allowed to complained, I don't have the right to feel anything, or to be sad. My friends will tell me, stop whining you know about it, I've warned you about it, but you choose it, you know the risk, now face it. But the thing is I still have feeling, I hope I have an on and off button for it, but I don't. I am sad, I am mad, I am destroyed, I'm sorry I didn't listen. But to tell you the truth, if I have to do it all again, I will do it all over again, what we had was beautiful, and for the first time in my life I can say that I am in love, I felt loved and felt accepted as who I am.
I know it sound pathetic, that love does not belong to only me, even if it belong to someone else, even if it's temporary, even if it will break me, I accepted it gratefully. And when my time runs out, I'll try to be strong, and moved on.
I wanted him to say don't worry, I'll be back someday, we'll be together again
but no word comes out of his mouth
I know he can not promise something that he doesn't know weather he'll be able to keep or not
Then our last month becomes our last week, our last day, and our last hours until time runs out
while my heart shattered all over the place, and it died little by little
Look up to the sky and pray
"Dear God, If we were meant to be I believe we will be together again someday. But if we are not Please take care of him, let him be loved always, let him always in Your protection, let him be happy and let him succeed in everything he does.
As for me, I don't want to wish for anything, I've lost him, I don't want anything else.
I'm just hoping time will do it's job, to make me forget, to make me fall in love again someday
until the day comes, I will take one day at a time, hoping that tomorrow will be better than today
Tomorrow I will put my daily facade, and pretend to be someone else like every other day, someone who's tough. But for this last few hours, even if I am the sinner, even if I am the home wrecker, please let me weep. While I cry silently, please forgive me and help me move on.
It will happen today, he will leave me, go back to his country, and the arms of his girlfriend. While I am here, in the point of falling, just one more step from the edge. And as I see from way up here, it will be a long and painful fall. Can you imagine someone that you love, in the arms of someone else, we'll I can not. But then again life screw you every now and then, like watching an accident, all you can do see it, without being able to do anything about it. So you brace yourself, try to be strong, and as one of my friend always said, "so be it".
The funny thing is that I already know the situation from the beginning, and I choose to be inside all of this mess. We'll be lover for 4 months, nobody needs to know, then he'll go home and leave it all behind. While I will be here trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. This reminds me of a quote that I read the other day "if a relation is a secret, then you shouldn't be in it", wise words, which I can not execute, as they said "there's one born every minute", I guess I'm one of those idiots.
Don't ask why I did it, I don't have the answer as well, all I know is I loved him, even if I can't have him. So I closed my mind and my heart of all reasoning, as reality falls upon me, I refuse to see.
The most difficult part of all this is that I am not allowed to complained, I don't have the right to feel anything, or to be sad. My friends will tell me, stop whining you know about it, I've warned you about it, but you choose it, you know the risk, now face it. But the thing is I still have feeling, I hope I have an on and off button for it, but I don't. I am sad, I am mad, I am destroyed, I'm sorry I didn't listen. But to tell you the truth, if I have to do it all again, I will do it all over again, what we had was beautiful, and for the first time in my life I can say that I am in love, I felt loved and felt accepted as who I am.
I know it sound pathetic, that love does not belong to only me, even if it belong to someone else, even if it's temporary, even if it will break me, I accepted it gratefully. And when my time runs out, I'll try to be strong, and moved on.
I wanted him to say don't worry, I'll be back someday, we'll be together again
but no word comes out of his mouth
I know he can not promise something that he doesn't know weather he'll be able to keep or not
Then our last month becomes our last week, our last day, and our last hours until time runs out
while my heart shattered all over the place, and it died little by little
Look up to the sky and pray
"Dear God, If we were meant to be I believe we will be together again someday. But if we are not Please take care of him, let him be loved always, let him always in Your protection, let him be happy and let him succeed in everything he does.
As for me, I don't want to wish for anything, I've lost him, I don't want anything else.
I'm just hoping time will do it's job, to make me forget, to make me fall in love again someday
until the day comes, I will take one day at a time, hoping that tomorrow will be better than today
Tomorrow I will put my daily facade, and pretend to be someone else like every other day, someone who's tough. But for this last few hours, even if I am the sinner, even if I am the home wrecker, please let me weep. While I cry silently, please forgive me and help me move on.
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